One Simple Task
by Grey Lupous and Kym Lyall
Summary: The job was simple: go to San Francisco and pick up a contract. But with Joe and Candy, nothing is ever simple. Between ghost towns, wannabe pirates, and the occasional criminal mastermind, it seems the simple job has become very complicated.
1. The Evil Squirrel

Disclaimer: We do not own Bonanza, Little Joe, Candy, and the others, although we very much wish we did. Dusk is actually Grey's creation, but she's willing to share. 

Author's Notes: This is our first joint-fic, but we do welcome constructive criticism. Takes place in the later seasons after Candy comes to the Ponderosa.

_One Simple Task_

by Greywolf Lupous and Kimba Lyall

Chapter One: "Killer Squirrel"

The Ponderosa was alive with excitement as another ranch hand hit the dirt hard. There were a few moments of baited breath, before he rose again, dusting off his chaps. As soon as he was on his feet again, his fellow ranch hands had already begun to tease him and make claims that they could do better.

"Nice try Charlie!" Candy grinned as the ranch hand vaulted over the fence. Charlie paused only long enough to give the ranch foreman a sour expression.

"Oh, you think you could do better?" Little Joe couldn't help but smirk from his position on the fence. This stallion had been proving to be a difficult ride for everybody. He knew Candy though, and if he felt that he had been issued a challenge, he couldn't help but rise to the occasion.

"As a matter of fact I do," Candy said, starting to scale the fence, but frowned as he saw that another hand had already beaten him to the prospect. 

Hoss chuckled, seeing the look of petulance on his friend's face, "Oh, no need to pout now, you'll have your turn to get thrown in the dirt soon enough."

Candy threw Hoss an unamused look, and then all three turned to watch as the stallion lunged out of the stall, bucking wildly. This hand only lasted a few seconds, before he landed on the dirt with a thud. A loud applause broke out among the spectators as the horse proudly pranced back to his stall, as if he was daring someone else to try.

"That horse certainly has an attitude, doesn't he?" Joe observed.

They stopped their musing as they heard a rider approaching from behind. Joe turned his head and waved at the dismounting newcomer, "Hi Pa."

"Hi boys, got them broke yet?"

"Not yet, this one's got a mean streak in him," Joe said, throwing a challenging look at Candy. "He's thrown five of us so far! I'm getting the feeling he doesn't want to be broke."

Candy caught the look and tilted his head back, narrowing his eyes. The gauntlet was thrown, and the challenge accepted. 

Ben watched the silent byplay with a bit of amusement. The competition would have to wait, "Well, stick with him, but first come and have some lunch. You've all done enough for now."

They all jumped down from the fence and headed for their horses, Candy and Joe pointing fingers at each other as a promise to continue this later. Ben walked alongside his youngest, leading Buck with him, "Oh Joe, would you do me a favor?"

"Sure Pa, what do you need doing?"

"I've got a lumber contract from Mill's down in San Francisco and need it to be collected."

"Sure thing, me and Candy will go," Joe said, excitement creeping into his voice, all thoughts of competition on breaking the new stallion forgotten.

Candy arched an eyebrow as he heard this, but didn't say anything as Hoss beat him to it by stepping up and putting his hands on Joe's shoulders.  He squeezed them hard, making Joe slightly buckle, "Don't you mean 'me and Hoss will go', Little Brother?"

Joe swallowed hard, trying to shrug the grip off with little success, "Oh come on, Hoss! You went last time!" 

He paused and smirked, "Besides someone has to stay and do all my chores, we don't expect me to come back to a week's supply now do we?"

At that moment, it looked as if Hoss was considering strangling his little brother, "Dadburn it Little Joe!"

Candy grinned and exchanged a glance with Ben, who sighed with a decision to step in.

"Boys, boys," he turned to Hoss, "didn't you promise to help Mrs. Collins with her cattle yard? And we really need you here for the branding."

Hoss grumbled to himself and let Joe go. Joe rubbed his shoulder, replying with a grin, "Thanks Pa."

Ben rolled his eyes to look over at Candy and Joe, "Now you two get before I change my mind!"

"What about lunch?" Candy asked sarcastically.

Ben gave him a look, while Joe made a "cut that out" motion with his hands. Candy shrugged good naturedly and grabbed a hold of Dusk's reins, while Joe grinned triumphantly and vaulted up onto Cochise with a broad smile, "Come on Candy! Looks like were going to San Francisco!"

However the Ben Cartwright we all know and love wouldn't send his youngest and the family friend off on a quest on an empty stomach, so later that afternoon the two were ready. Our said kind and generous patriarchal figure stepped out into the yard along with Hoss, just as they were getting ready to ride out. 

"Okay, it should take you no more than a week," he said, then gave a stern look to his son, "and _no_ going to Barbary Coast, understood?"

"Yes sir!" Joe replied.

"Anything you say Mr. Cartwright," Candy said, voice ringing with innocence and sincerity.

Hoss adds "You just be careful little brother, I don't want to have to come and pull you out of any trouble!"

 "You just watch yourself older brother. Besides what trouble can I get into? Candy's with me!"

"Heck, that's even worse than sending you off by yourself!" Hoss grinned.

Candy sighed dramatically, "I'm wounded. Let's go Joe, I can see where I'm not wanted." 

His friend laughed and quickly reined Cochise around, kicking him into a canter out of the yard. Candy followed, waving a good-bye to Hoss and Ben. 

*          *          *          *          *

Joe and Candy rode for a few hours before Joe turned in his saddle and scouted the horizon, "I guess we should be looking for a place to bed up for the night. I think we've got a few hours of daylight left though."

Candy shrugged lightly, "It's up to you. There any set date on when we have to pick up that contract? I guess that would tell us if we need to push ourselves or not." 

"Pa never said. All we have to do is go and collect it. They know we're coming to pick it up, so Pa most likely sent them a telegram," Joe trailed off with a grin. "But you know, while we're there, I don't see why we can't have a little fun." 

"You never quit do you?"

Joe waggled his eyebrows in response, eliciting a laugh from the other.

"Well, I wouldn't mind headin' down to the coast myself. I hear they've got some real nice, um, places to visit there." 

"Yeah! You just wait 'till you see it, there's plenty to do! Just be careful you don't get shanghaied... Pa would never let me live it down, if I came home without the foreman!" Joe teased.

Candy raised his eyebrows in an expression of mirth, "You know if either of us gets shanghaied, it'll probably be you. Despite what you say, _I'm_ not the bad luck charm. And you know I'd definitely be fired if I came back without the boss's son. Nope Joe, I think I'm gonna have to lock you in the hotel for your own safety." 

"And let you have all the fun? _Not a chance!_" Joe swelled up, glancing at his friend mischievously, "There ain't a lock or key that will hold this Cartwright!" 

"If you say so," Candy shook his head, tempted to test that theory. He lifted himself up in the saddle as he peered out in the distance, "What about that spot over there?" 

Joe looked to the direction where Candy indicated, "Yeah, that looks like a good spot. Let's camp up over there near the creek and that group of rocks." 

Candy nodded in agreement, and they both rode over to start setting up camp.

*          *          *          *          *

Candy leaned against a tree as Joe attempted to start the fire for the night, "So Joe, why take me along and not Hoss? I thought you two had a blast last time you went to San Francisco."

Joe piled up the wood and after several tries, finally succeeded in getting the fire going, "Well we did. But Hoss can be just as bad as Pa! And," Joe smirked at Candy, "I just know if I left you behind, I'd come back to a week's worth of chores to do!" 

"Oh," Candy feigned a hurt expression, "and here I thought you just wanted my company. I see how it is." 

Joe laughed and threw one of his gloves at Candy, "Go make yourself useful and catch us a rabbit or something!"

"Whatever you say, Master," Candy mock bowed and slipped off into the woods to try and hunt up some dinner. 

Joe shook his head and chuckled softly. Once the fire was burning nicely, he rolled out his bedroll and laid down, propped up against the tree. Slipping his hat down to block out the sun, he decided to take the opportunity to nap before Candy got back.

Candy was starting to believe they'd picked the least populated area to camp when a rabbit jumped out of a bush several yards in front of him. He froze, taking careful aim with his rifle. If he missed, he knew they'd have to eat out of their provisions, and he hoped to put that off as long as possible.  Right as he was inching the trigger back a flying ball of fur plummeted from the tree above and onto the barrel of the gun. The gun discharged harmlessly into the dirt of the forest floor, the sound spooking the rabbit back into the brush. 

"Damn it!" Candy threw the rifle on the ground and looked around for the source of his misfire. His gaze caught a squirrel scrambling up a tree. When it reached a low-lying branch, it began to chirp angrily at him. Grumbling about crazy squirrels he picked up his rifle, "You're just lucky I don't like squirrel meat."

The squirrel seemed to take offense at this comment, as it jumped down from the tree and rushed him. Candy jumped back too startled to take a shot at the animal. The squirrel continued to charge and he began backpedaling, "It was a joke! I wasn't going to shoot you or your rabbit friend!"

The squirrel stopped its charge, chattered something else angrily, before disappearing into the vegetation.

Candy looked around suspiciously, wondering perhaps if anyone had caught the scene. No, he was alone. Breathing a sigh of relief, he fixed his hat, "Damned crazy squirrels."

Another series of angry chirps quickly changed his mind from rabbit to fish for dinner.

Joe awoke from his nap sometime later to see that Candy hadn't returned yet. Glancing at the low position of the sun, he frowned as he sat up. It shouldn't be too hard to find something for dinner in this area of the woods. He started a pot of coffee as he pondered having to go out and track his friend.

The water had just begun to boil when Candy came in with a string of fish. Silently he laid them out and began preparing them to be cooked.

Joe cocked an eyebrow, "Ah Candy, as much as I _love_ fish… what happened to the plans for rabbit?"

"Changed my mind," Candy said nervously. There was no way he was going to mention the squirrel incident to Joe. "Found a pond, not too far away, thought you'd like some fish, instead."

Catching on his companions somewhat nervous motions Joe decided to press it a bit. He sighed melodramatically, "I get you to do one little job and you can't even do that. You're not going soft on me are you?" 

Candy cast Joe a venomous look, "Oh, well in that case, I'm not _nearly_ qualified enough to cook dinner." Rubbing his hands together, he stood up to leave the fish where they were, "By all means Mr. Cartwright... I'll just go wash up at the lake."

"You know I hate it when you call me that," Joe frowned, "What's up with you anyways? Did something happen out there? You're as jumpy as a rabbit on coals!" 

"Absolutely nothing of importance happened. I couldn't catch rabbits, so I got fish," he replied vaguely. "You better get cooking, and don't burn them this time."

"Nice try, but it's still your turn to do the cooking," Joe paused and cocked his head, a smile still playing on his lips, "You know, I think something happened out there. You're acting awful strange. Maybe I ought to send you into Virginia City to see the doc. Maybe you hit your head again."

"Oh... my turn. Right," Obviously it was time to change tactics, otherwise that conniving Cartwright mind was going to start _really_ prying. "Well, you go wash up, 'cause you stink. I'll have the fish ready by the time you get back."

Joe frowned, knowing something wasn't right. He'd figure it out later, he thought to himself as he rose up. When Candy wasn't looking he discreetly tried to sniff his shirt. Okay, so maybe he _had _a point…

Candy tossed the prepared fish down onto the hot pan. He felt pretty confident Joe would forget the entire incident by the morning. He'd rather put up with Joe's frowns for one night than hear about that damned squirrel for the entire trip. By the time Joe came back, the fish had finished.

All thoughts of the little dispute were forgotten when Joe smelled the frying fish, "Hmm, that does smell pretty good. Even given your track record, it's hard to ruin fish."

Joe stabbed a portion for himself and took a cautious bite, "Well, that's actually pretty good. Of course it's nowhere near Hop Sing's cooking."

"I wouldn't dream of trying to take Hop Sing on in the cooking department. He's got even the gals beat in there I think," Candy served himself and positioned himself in front of a tree. "So tell me about San Francisco. I never made it that far in my wanderings."

Joe let his mind wander back to some of his more memorable trips to the city. He shook his head at a few and chuckled, "I'll never forget the week me, Pa, Hoss and two of the hands went there for a vacation. Pa would probably skin me alive if I told you…"

He trailed off, a familiar mischievous glint finding its way into his eyes. Candy couldn't help but grin in anticipation, "You know Pa. He was telling us all to be careful about being shanghaied. You know they're prone to doing that on the Barbary Coast. Well Pa was the one who wound up getting shanghaied and sold as a sailor!"

Joe had to pause in eating so he wouldn't choke. Candy shook his head, in his mind's eye seeing an indignant Ben Cartwright dressed up in a sailor outfit two sizes too small for him, "Very interesting. My guess is that you and Hoss had to go to his rescue?" 

"But of course. Me and Hoss decided to find them the old fashion way and that was to take the place apart. Well, Hoss literally tackled that… the funny thing was, this woman, worked for Cut Throat Jack, and boy was she pretty! We," Joe cleared his throat, deciding to continue with the story, "well we found him, and had the fist fight of the century before heading back to the Ponderosa. Adam really missed out on that one. Poor, poor Adam. Stuck back home, doing all our chores...."

Joe trailed off as he burst into a fit of giggles, "You know Pa never told us how much Cut Throat bought him for."

Candy shook his head, as Joe's mirth was contagious, "I'm sure he was really sore about it too."

"Oh boy, was he ever! He never mentioned it again. Those were good times," Joe said, some of the laughter leaving his eyes when he thought of the brother he hadn't seen in years. After a few moments lost in those thoughts, he finally turned back to the topic San Francisco in general, "You know, there's a lot of cute gals in Barbary Coast.  I'm sure we could even find you one."

"Yes, since the girls out here find me so appalling," Candy said with a grin. 

"Well I can't help it if the girls find me completely and totally attractive. It's a curse I tell you!"

"I've heard about this curse," Candy managed a serious look. "I hear it's deadly." 

"Well the only thing deadly are the women! They're likely to eat you alive. Whoo! And get more than one interested... "

Candy shook his head, ready to take another bite, when suddenly something leapt onto his plate. He yelped as he caught the evil beady eyes of the squirrel from hell. His entire body froze as he watched and waited for the squirrel to make its move. 

Joe nearly choked as the squirrel dive-bombed Candy's plate. After a quick gulp of coffee, he managed to find his voice, "Well it looks like you've found yourself a friend. The fish is good, but c'mon little fella. Candy can't cook that good." 

"This squirrel is no friend," Candy said, deadly serious. He slowly set the plate down and edged away from the monster. The squirrel stood up on its hind legs and bared its fangs at him. Candy's hand automatically went for his gun, but then realized that he had draped it over the bedroll when he got back from hunting.

Joe collapsed into a fit of laughter as he watched Candy and the squirrel, "Whoa there buddy! Don't make any sudden moves, with teeth likes those ones. They seem mighty deadly if you ask me! And just look at them claws, powerful things they are!"

"It's not funny Joe! This squirrel is stalking me!" Candy cast equally scathing glares at both his friend and the squirrel. "So you think you're tough huh? You want to take me on?"

The squirrel bobbed its tail and leaned forward slightly. Candy tensed. 

"My money's on the squirrel!" Joe managed between spurts of laughter.

"Shut up Joe!" Candy hissed, his attention momentarily diverted from the enemy.

The squirrel took the moment of distraction and leapt at Candy. Whirling back to attention, Candy managed to put an arm up for defense. The sharp teeth latched onto Candy's sleeve, and began to try and work their way through the cloth to skin below, "Stop cackling and help me, Joe!"  
"Oh if only the rest of the men could see this! Attack of the ferocious squirrel!" Joe wiped a tear away from his eye as he managed to gain control of his mirth. Finally he rose and approached the struggling pair, "Sorry Candy, let's see if I can rescue you from this vicious creature."

The occasional chuckle still escaped him as he reached down to grab the squirrel. With a hiss, the squirrel abandoned its hold on Candy and turned on Joe, sinking its teeth into his hand. Candy tries to grab a hold of the creature now hanging off of Joe's hand. It lets go of Joe and races up Candy's arm, and towards his head, "He's on me! He's on me!" 

The situation had lost all amusement for Joe as he sucked at the squirrel bite. With a growl he decided to rid Candy of the menace, "Here, let me get him!"

Joe lunged for it, but only managed to grab a handful of Candy's hair, "Ow! That's not a squirrel!"

Candy's eyes doubled in size as the squirrel made it to his back, heading for the collar of his shirt, "Oh no..." 

"Eh, sorry," Joe let go of Candy's hair and took a hold of the back of Candy's shirt, "I think I got him… wait, nope. Gone again."

Joe, much to Candy's increasing discomfort, reached through the collar of his shirt to gain better access to the demon spawn. With lightning speed Joe withdrew his hand, and began sucking his finger where the squirrel drew blood, "The little devil bit me again!"

Free of the hindrance of Joe, Candy quickly untucked his shirt and tried to shake the little bugger out. The little claws begin to slide down his back. With much difficulty he began to beat his own back, and finally the squirrel came tumbling out. It rolled across the ground, before finally coming to a stop. It rose up on all four legs, looking disoriented.

Candy and Joe's gazes both locked on the momentarily stunned squirrel. As one they lunged for it, and wound up banging their heads together. They both sat up rubbing their foreheads, looking at the now empty spot of there the squirrel use to be. Slowly their gaze traveled a few feet in front of them, and spotted the tiny demon, laughing its little squirrelly head off at them.

"Joe," Candy muttered with a hand still on his head, "do you have your gun?" 

Joe glanced back at his saddle, and spied his gun in its holster, hanging off of the horn. He hit his forehead at the thought of leaving it so far away, then winced, "Ow… it's right over there. Any other ideas?"

"Damn, mine's over there too. Maybe we could lure it into the fire. Burn it out?" Candy suggested.

Joe grinned at Candy "How about I stay here and you be the decoy. When he's not looking, I'll take him." Joe realized what he just said, "Actually I'll be the decoy, and you can tackle him." 

"What? No, no way I'm tackling him. How about this? You distract him while I go get the guns. We'll deal with him once and for all." 

"Me? Why's it always _me_ that's put in the line of fire?" Joe grumbled. "Fine. You just make sure you hit him!" 

He got up and crept up behind the squirrel, "All right! You want to play rough, huh?"

While Joe held the squirrel's attention, Candy snuck over to the guns, and began to quietly pull his out of its holster. The squirrel flicked his tail at Joe and began to turn around, feeling as if the human in the green-jacket wasn't the problem.

"Ah, Candy? You better hurry up. I think he just decided he likes you more than me!" Joe snatched a rock up from the ground, threatening the squirrel with it, "C'mon! Pay attention to me you little demon!"

"There's no like about it Joe! It's just pure hate!" Candy scrambled to get the gun out of the holster, and naturally, it got stuck in his haste. The squirrel crouched low, getting ready to launch its attack. Joe chunked the rock at the squirrel to give Candy a few precious seconds. In a super-squirrel feat, it avoided the rock and launched his attack. 

Finally managing to pull the gun free, Candy fired at the squirrel… but missed. The squirrel paused in its rush attack, rising on its hind legs. It chattered angrily at Candy again, before disappearing into the woods, "Joe?"

Joe's eyes were still glued to spot the squirrel disappeared in horror, "Candy? Tell me I didn't see just what just happened."

"I'm sorry Joe, I was sure I had him in my sight. How's your hand?" 

Joe rubbed the bites on his hand, "As well as could be expected. You?" 

"Think I probably got some scratches on my back, but that's nothing. Joe, you have to promise me something," Candy's tone turned serious. 

"Well that depends on what I'm promising," the youngest Cartwright managed a grin for his friend.

"Never mention this incident to anyone again," there was no way Candy wanted to hear about the "killer squirrel" for months on end.

"Hmm," Joe considered the offer for a few moments, "okay! But only if you're buying when we get to San Francisco."

"This is blackmail," Candy muttered, "but FINE! First round's on me."

"Well if that's the way you see it, you can also do..." Joe trailed off at the evil look on Candy's face. He chuckled nervously, "Okay, I won't tell anyone as long as I live!"

"Good," Candy went over and picked up his plate of food, which had squirrel prints on it. He glanced over at Joe's almost full plate, "hey Joe, you going to finish that?"

Joe glanced at his plate, "No, for some reason I've lost my appetite." 

"Good," Candy snatched it away before he could change his mind, "at least yours didn't have squirrel feet all over it." 

"Help yourself, I think I'm going to turn in," Joe tossed the rest of his coffee onto the ground before turning in for the night. 

*          *          *          *          *

Morning, of course, came entirely too early. In the peeking light of dawn a small form skittered across the camp towards Joe's bedroll. 

Joe roused from his sleep, still lying on his back. He glanced over at his hat that had fallen off his face sometime during the night. Yawning he rolled his head back towards the sky, more light creeping into the campground as the sun continued its journey up into the sky. In the low light of the camp, Joe blinked once, and then blinked again, to see if perhaps he had been seeing things.

Sitting on his chest, bushy tail in the air, holding himself like a conquering emperor, sat the same squirrel from the night before. Joe gulped, feeling himself in a quandary. He looked over at Candy's still sleeping form, "Psst! Candy!"

Candy merely muttered something in his sleep and rolled over. Joe ground his teeth together and raised his voice a few more decibels, "Candy! I could use some help, right about _now_!" 

Candy snorted and cracked an eye open, not even looking at Joe, "What is it? It's way too early to be starting out Joe..." 

Joe turned his attention back to the squirrel. It continued to sit on his chest, chuckling evilly. Joe turned a panicked face back to his friend, "_Candy_!"

"What?" Candy snapped as he sat up. Then he saw it. The squirrel of doom, sitting on Joe's chest, completely focused on torturing its captive. Slowly he reached for his gun, "Joe, just hold very, very still." 

Joe's eyes widen when he realizes what Candy's about to do. As not to provoke the devil sitting on him, he issued a harsh whisper to his friend, "Candy! You Loco!  You missed once already!"

Candy gripped his gun. Joe's voice dropped a few octaves, "Candy! C-Candy don't you dare!"

"Joe, my friend, there are some sacrifices that have to be made for the greater good of all. It just so happens your body might be one of those," he took careful aim. 

Joe squeezed his eyes shut, expecting a bullet to plow into him at any second. Without warning the squirrel whirled around to face him with a hiss. Candy stared into those evil beady eyes, and found that he was locked into its squirrelly trance.

When nothing happened, Joe opened one eye. He looked around, and seeing himself still in one piece, he sighed with relief and let his head drop back to the ground.

The squirrel started to walk off of Joe in a slow and drawn out manner to make both men sweat. It continued to approach Candy, who was fighting an internal battle to break the hold the stupid animal had on him. Of course on the exterior he came off looking like a staring moron.

As soon as the squirrel stepped off Joe, he jumped back several feet, "Candy… CANDY! Shoot the damn thing!"

Joe's screaming broke the evil thing's control on Candy, and he began to fire off rapid shots at the squirrel. Miraculously, none of them hit it, "Damn squirrel! Stand still!"

The squirrel began to run in a zigzag pattern. In its course it got too close to Joe, and he found himself jumping back again, this time to prevent his foot from being shot off, "Watch it! You want the squirrel dead, not me!" 

The creature continued its wayward course before scampering up a tree. From one of the higher branches it chuckled insanely down at them. For about ten seconds, Candy considered climbing the tree. Then his common sense got a hold of him "C'mon Joe, let's get out of here before he decides to attack again!"

Joe had already begun to pack his gear together hastily, "You've got no argument from me! Only the next time you get the notion to shoot me… _don't_."

Candy rolled his eyes as he followed in suit, not noticing as something crawled inside his saddlebags, "It's not my fault you put yourself in the line of fire." 

"Put myself..." Joe sputtered as he tightened the cinch on Cochise's saddle, "you can't even hit one stupid squirrel! I lost count on how many times you've missed it."

Candy swung up into Dusk's saddle, "It's a demon squirrel. It's invulnerable to bullets."

Joe snorted and mounted Cochise, "You just can't aim. Admit it."

"Oh, this is the thanks I get for saving your hide, huh?" Candy mock grumbled. 

"Well I don't exactly call pointing a gun at my chest 'saving my life'. With your aim, just think, that could have been me, lying there, dying. Pa would have done more than fire you for that one!"

"Oh, I'd be long gone before he found out. You know me. Never know when I'll get the urge to wander." 

"So you'd leave me there dying, and get the sudden urge to wandering in them yonder hills?" Joe had the grace to look shocked, "That's such a comforting thought." 

"That why the ladies call me Comforting Canaday," he grinned.

"I'll make sure to remember that the next time I need comforting," Joe snickered before kicking Cochise into a quick canter.

Before Candy could follow suit, he felt the distinct sensation of something crawling up his leg. He looked down, but only saw a grayish-brown blur. Confused, he swung his gaze back forward, to see the object of pure evil standing on the saddle horn and glaring with its beady eyes, waving its sharp claws in the air like a promise of bad things to come

Even as Joe gained speed and distance between them, he could hear the yelp of terror. He pulled Cochise to a stop and turned around to see Candy stopped, looking to have some sort of trouble. He quickly rode back to his friend's aid, "What's wrong Candy?" 

Candy sat rigid in the saddle, "You don't see it?"

Joe studied Candy's look of terror, then his eyes traveled down to the saddle horn, and the squirrel sitting atop it.

"All right! That's it!" Joe drew his gun and aimed it at the squirrel, "No more Mister Nice Guy! What do you say we have roasted squirrel for lunch Candy?"

Candy gulped, "Um, I don't like squirrel? It tastes real bad." 

The squirrel hissed. 

"You should be happy you taste bad!"

The squirrel waved a clawed paw in the air to display his anger.

"You know what, me neither," Joe said casually and then fired the gun to scare off the squirrel. Dusk reared up, spooked by the sound of gunfire so close. Candy attempted to hold on, but tumbled to the ground rear first. The squirrel ran down Dusk's leg, further panicking the horse. Almost as one, both animals took off in their separate directions, the squirrel back into its forest domain, and the horse to parts unknown.

Joe laughed as he realized the squirrel was now on the run. Candy slowly rose up, rubbing his sore spot and glaring at Joe. The youngest Cartwright's laughter died off, the last chuckle catching in his throat and coming out like a dying cow's last bellow. He cleared his throat and glanced at his friend, and then at Dusk's tracks, "Oops."

"You shot my horse!" Candy growled, taking a step towards Joe and Cochise. "That's it Cartwright! No one shoots my horse!"

"Now Candy, just calm down!" Joe gulped. "I didn't hit him and-"

"Well you certainly were able to drive him off. Now we have to go and find him," Candy's mean countenance broke into a sudden grin, "I had you there for a second there, didn't I?" 

"Don't do that!" Joe whipped his hat off and smacked Candy over the head with it. "C'mon, Dusk can't have gone far."

He extended a hand, Candy took it and climbed up behind him, "Besides, he's not the only thing that I drove off."

"That's your only saving grace."

"How about we just call it even?" Joe said, directing Cochise to follow Dusk's tracks.

"Oh? And since when have we counted?" Candy peered off into the trees and managed to make out Dusk's outline, "He's over there."

"Okay, so maybe let's not keep count," Joe pulled up next to Dusk, having lost count of the times he and Candy had bailed each other out in the past. 

"It's all right boy, no more insane animals or shots flying by you. At least not until we find us some renegades to tangle with," Candy murmured and patted Dusk, making sure the animal was calm before mounting up.

Joe studied the sky, a frown tugging at his brow, "Those clouds up there don't look too friendly."

"You're right, all we need right now is a storm to hit. Do you know of any towns close by? I don't think I'd want to get stuck on the trail with that coming down." 

Joe continued to scrutinize the sky and bit his lip. The closest place was Spinner Town. It was a mostly deserted town with only a few living residents. Just the thought of going there made him shudder with dread. He turned to Candy, trying to muster up some optimism in his voice, "Well there is one place not too far off the trail. It'll take us a while to get there though."


	2. Spinner Town

Disclaimer: Same as last chapter, we still don't own Candy, Joe, or Cochise, despite our repeated requests to David Dortort. Although I doubt Mr. Dortort will try and lay claim to the ghost town here. 

Notes: Be warned of our very odd gallows humor.

_One Simple Task_

by Greywolf Lupous and Kimba Lyall

Chapter 2: "Spinner Town"

"What's with the long face? Is the town boring?" Candy looked between the sky and Joe's apprehensive face. "I don't think we have much time for you to bite your lip and look pensive too long. Besides, we'd only be staying until the storm blows over. Not much time to have fun anyway." 

"I take it you haven't been to Spinner Town before, huh? Hoss and I went there the last time we returned from San Francisco. It gives me the creeps," Joe turned Cochise around to the general direction they needed to take. "Even if it's only until the storm blows over, that's still too long... but I guess we really don't have much of a choice with those clouds. C'mon, it's this way."

Joe began to lead the way, with Candy close behind. There was an ominous rumble from the horizon as low-lying black clouds seemed to curl themselves around the hilltops in the distance. A sudden gust of wind hurled itself at the two riders, and seemed to envelop them.

A shiver ran down Joe's spine, and he kicked Cochise into a full gallop with Candy in hot pursuit. The weather continued to decline all the way to the outskirts of Spinner Town. Once there, the only visible signs of life were a few stray dogs roaming around. Broken down wagons lay on the sides of the streets as old pieces of clothing scattered to and fro. The street was littered with broken glass, and the horses had to step carefully to avoid the debris. 

The wind picked up again as another clap of thunder sliced through the silence surrounding the town. Cochise reared up and refused to take another step, "Easy Cooch. I know, I don't like the idea of being here again either."

He patted the horse's neck soothingly and glanced over at Candy, "Welcome to Spinner Town, or what's left of it."

Cochise reared up again, whinnying seemingly at the buildings. Not too far behind them, Dusk didn't seem to be taking to the town much better as he rolled his eyes and did his best to turn in the opposite direction. Both riders dismounted keep from being thrown. 

Candy glanced around the deserted streets, wondering maybe if the rain and sleet would have been better, "Well Joe I have to say, this lively place will rival San Francisco any day. Heck, I think it even beats New Orleans on Mardi Gras."

Candy's gaze caught on a torn up, abandoned doll of a little girl that looked like it had been used as one of the stray dogs chew toys. He shook his head sadly and continued to stroke Dusk, trying to calm him down for the second time that day.

"We'll have to see if the saloon lives up to the rest of this town's reputation," Joe said with a smirk, trying to ignore the hairs rising on the back of his neck. They lead their horses down the street towards the hotel, "Well, I don't think we've got any worries about getting a room." 

"Yeah, that's what the fellows who wound up camping outside of town said too," Candy studied their surroundings, unable to decipher one ramshackle building from another. "Speaking of which, where is this grand hotel?" 

"Oh, so you're holding out for the fancy beds, eh? Well my friend, the _Grand_ _Hotel_ is right this way," Joe said as he led them off to the side. He tied Cochise up to the hitching post, rubbing the horse's forehead, "Sorry buddy, but even in a town like this they don't allow horses inside."

Candy tied up Dusk and together they approached the door. Joe reached out and barely touched the door handle, before it fell inwards with a loud thud, covering Joe with dust.

Candy looked at his dust-covered friend, but could only manage a smile because of the concern of the stability of their shelter, "I certainly hope we have first floor rooms. Not too sure I'm going to trust those stairs." 

Joe coughed and tried to wave away the dust, "Yeah, well I just hope it's not nearly as dusty."

They walked in over the rather useless front door. The front desk was deserted, but there standing at the bar, cleaning out a mug was none other than...

"Barleyman? Teddy Barleyman! What are you still doing here?" Joe rushed over to greet the friend he and Hoss made they last time they visited.

Ted seemed a bit startled at their presence, and it took a few moments for it to register who was shouting at him, "Well if it isn't Joe Cartwright! Ain't this a surprise, what brings you to town?"

"The storm caught Candy and me here unexpectedly," Joe indicated his friend, who shook the bartender's hand as he returned the greeting. 

After the introductions were over, the grin still hadn't disappeared from Ted's face, "Well I hear the storm is going to be a big one this time. You might even be with us a few days."

"Days?" Joe groaned and covered his face with his hands. 

Candy eyed the area cautiously. Even from a distance he could have sworn this was a ghost town. Then again, looking at the worn down state of the buildings, he probably still could, "So Ted, when does the party around here stop? A fellow has got to get some sleep some time you know."

Ted frowned at Candy, "Party? What party? We ain't had a party since-"

Joe cut him off, "Just give us the keys to room four, Teddy."

Ted nodded and abandoned the bar to root around in the front desk. After a few moments he found it, and handed Joe the key, "Thanks Ted. So, what happened here? Where'd all the rest of the people go, though I can't say I recall seeing too many the last time I was here."

"Well," Ted's voice dropped a few decibels, "we had a bunch of injuns come through here about a month or so back. Killed off some of the town's folk, the rest left saying the place is haunted. A load of cod's wallop if you ask me! Pssh, ghosts..."

Joe raised an eyebrow, "Ghosts, huh? Well, I think we'll just go freshen up a bit. Who here takes care of the horses?"

"Don't worry about them, I'm on it," Ted assured him.

"Thanks Ted!" Joe threw the keys to Candy, "how 'bout I let you open this one, huh?"

"You're too kind," Candy caught the keys, then slung his bedroll over his shoulder and stopped at room four, "That one there needs to buy a sense of humor; would be a good investment."

"Well not everyone can be as charming as you Candy," Joe rolled his eyes.

"Don't I know it," Candy began to fiddle with the lock to the door, "And Indians? Might get a bit interesting here."

"That's something I'm hoping against. My trip has been interesting enough, thank you," Joe tapped his foot, before his friend _finally_ figured out the lock and pushed the door open. A sudden gust of wind blew the door completely open with a bang.

"Trust them to leave the window open..." Joe shook his head as he walked in, unceremoniously dumping his gear onto the bed. He rubbed the back of his neck, trying to warm the chill that seemed to be collecting there.

Candy walked in after him, setting his bedroll on the bed and the key on the nightstand in between. He shivered as he began to unpack the bedroll, "You going to close that window or just let the cold air freeze us out?"

"I would do that, if it was open," Joe said, eyeing the closed window with interest.

"That's odd, I guess there's a crack in the wall somewhere," his friend shrugged it off and finished readying his bed. 

Joe continued to study the room while he rubbed his face with his hands. It was going to be a long and cold night. 

Candy flopped down on his bed, "You going to be okay?"

"I'm fine," he groused back and fixed his bedding. He lay down, trying to ignore the chill, "Remind me never to come here again!"

Candy looked over at his shivering friend and without warning chunked his bedroll at him, "Oh for crying out loud, take the blanket from my bed roll!"

Joe managed to grumble a thank you as Candy crawled under the blankets already provided on the bed, "Don't worry Joe, we'll beat the rain if we have to. Besides, this town is way too dusty for my tastes. And no women." 

"Yeah, got to have women," Joe chuckled as he drifted off to sleep. Outside a flash of lightning signaled the beginning of the storm that had threatened to be loosed all day.

A cold drop of water on his face awoke Joe from his light slumber. He shivered violently, still feeling as if it was the cold air blanketing him, and not layers of blankets. He opened his eyes to look at the ceiling, but he saw nothing. Outside he could hear that the rain had stopped for the moment.

Joe glanced over at Candy, who was sleeping rather peacefully, and wondered how he could sleep so easy in such a creepy place. He tried to shrug it off and closed his eyes again. He was just starting to doze again when a few more drops landed on his face. He sputtered and opened his eyes again, "Leaky roofs too? I'm going to have to-" 

He stopped talking as he saw water hovering over him and quickly sat up as the floating mass of water moved out the now open door. Glancing over at the still slumbering Candy, Joe decided to leave him be. He needed to confirm his insanity before telling anyone about it. He slipped out of bed, taking enough time to slip his boots back on, before exiting the room.

Joe looked around the empty lobby of the hotel, and glanced over where the front door still rested on the floor. He could see a hazy form standing on the fallen door. It resembled a man, but seemed out of focus and almost transparent. He rubbed his eyes and tried to get closer. When he was only a few feet away, it felt like someone threw a bucket of ice water all over him.

He yelped as the water soaked his skin. The wind picked up, chilling him to the bone. Joe watched in a state of shock as the, _was it a ghost?_, moved out of the hotel and down the street. Almost as if in a trance Joe followed it out into the night.

The ghost seemed to be heading for the edge of town, leaving a trail of water behind him. The sodden Cartwright followed the trail, determined to figure out what was going on. At least that was the only sensible explanation he could come up with for following ghosts into the middle of the night.

When he reached the edge of town, the ghost floated up a few feet, then vanished. A speechless Joe looked around helplessly, when the sky seemed to rumble again. The wind picked up again, and without warning the sky opened up, dropping bucket loads of rain onto him.

"DAMN IT!" he shouted into pouring rain. 

*          *          *          *          *

Candy awoke slowly, stirred by something entering the room. He sat up and looked around through bleary eyes, barely able to make out that Joe wasn't in his bed. He rubbed his eyes, trying to shake himself further awake, "Joe? You here?"

At the foot of Candy's bed stood a little girl, barely seven years old, "Papa?"

"What the...?!" Candy jumped to his feet, sure that he didn't see her there a few moments before. He shook his head, reminding himself it was only a little girl, "How'd you get in here?"

"Papa! I can't find my dolly anywhere. Help me find it, Papa!" she exclaimed, before bursting into tears.

"No, no, no, don't cry!" Candy knelt down in front of her, "I'll help you find it." 

That seemed to dry her tears some, and she looked at him with hopeful eyes. A memory of a ratty doll filled his mind, "I think I know exactly where it is." 

"I miss her, Papa. You know she gets scared when I'm not with her," the child sniffled and grabbed a hold of Candy's hand.

He couldn't help but shiver at the touch, and something in the back of his mind told him that something in this situation was wrong. He pushed it away, too tired to deal with trying to analyze the situation, "Okay, I'll show you... but why do you keep calling me Papa?" 

She looked up at him confused, but didn't say anything. He shook his head and led her out of the hotel, and down the street that they first came in on, where he remembered seeing the torn up doll. He pointed to it as it came into sight, "Is that it?" 

The child's face lit up and she ran over and scooped it up. Hugging it close, she turned back to Candy, an expression of apprehension suddenly taking over her young face, "Papa! Who are those men?"

She pointed behind him, and Candy whirled around to see several Indians, whooping, hollering, and dressed up in war paint charging towards them. Instinct took over and he ran towards the girl, but something made him trip.

The little girl screamed and dropped her doll, "_Papa!"_

He looked up from the dirt too see an Indian gallop past and scoop her up, "No!"

He rolled over, determined to help her, just in time to see a lance swinging down at him. A scream tore from his throat, as the spear closed in towards his face... and the Indian seemed to ride _literally_ through him.

Candy was frozen to the spot, taking in deep ragged breaths, knowing that a horse that should have trampled him, and a spear that should have skewered him, disappeared into thin air. He stared ahead, too scared and too shocked to move.

*          *          *          *          *

Joe had just started back up the steps towards the hotel when the rain stopped. He paused, confused at the sudden turn in the weather. A scream sliced the sudden silence, and Joe's feet were moving before he assigned the sound with a name, "CANDY!"

He rounded a corner to the street that they'd come in on to see his friend lying on the ground, in a complete state of shock. He fell to his knees, taking his friend's shoulders into a rough grip, "Candy! C'mon buddy, speak to me!"

The touch seemed to bring him out of his shock, and his eyes focused on Joe, "I... they... they took her." 

Joe released his grip and rocked back on his heels, feeling relief course through him, "What are you talking about? Who took who?"

"The little girl, she was looking for her doll," Candy raved, waving his hands about trying to convince Joe the validity of his statement, "and then the Indians came and I thought they were going to kill me and then they disappeared!"

Joe rubbed his arms trying to ward off the chill of the night, and unsuccessfully smothered a cough, "Indians? Girl? You must have been sleepwalking. You sure you're okay?"

"I'm not the one walking around at night with wet clothes trying to invite pneumonia!" Candy snapped. He pointed to the doll lying on the ground, "And I wasn't dreaming, the girl came out to get this and they attacked!" 

Joe dissolved into a sneezing fit before he could reply. When he regained control of himself, he pushed himself to his feet, "Well I certainly didn't asked to be drenched. It was like a ghost made out of water... or something."

He trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck, "I told you I didn't want to come here. Come on, I've got to get out of these clothes."

"See, it's not crazy when _YOU _see a ghost!" Candy grumbled, and then raised his voice to a more audible level. "Yeah you better. I'm not taking you back with a cold. You know how many weeks of pay I'll get docked for that?" 

"I didn't say it was CRAZY, I just don't know what I saw! And mumble all you want, I'll just be lucky to get back home in one piece the way we're going. I'm a grown man, Pa's not going to come running every time I stub my toe!" Joe snapped back before starting back towards the hotel, "I'm going to get a hot bath, since YOU seem fine."

"Don't forget to wash behind your ears!" Candy called after him.

"_Very_ funny!" Joe didn't slow or look back as he disappeared down the street. 

Candy turned and looked back to where the little girl had been, and found himself walking over there. He picked up the doll and gently turned it over in his hands. He decided that a talk with Ted was in order, and headed back to the hotel as well.

Joe stopped when he got to the lobby, deciding maybe that getting _more_ wet wasn't the best of ideas. Making a mental rain check on the bath, he stood there trying to piece together the events of the night. Candy's entrance interrupted his musing. He threw his friend a sour look and headed into their room, still wet. 

The room seemed even colder now that he was soaked, and briefly he was taken back to his youth, standing in the doorway of his room, afraid of the shadows stretching towards him. He shrugged the memory off and entered.

Quickly he changed into a dry set of clothes, wishing that he could get a better insulated room. Joe sat down heavily on the bed, trying to organize his thoughts.

*          *          *          *          *

Candy entered the lobby. Catching Joe's annoyed look, he ignored it, knowing it was just Joe being Joe. Without a word to his friend, he headed over to the bar to find Ted. He found it empty, and looking like no one had tended to it for a long time.

Now more confused, Candy headed back out to the street, wondering where Ted could have gotten off to in such a small town. Wandering aimlessly in one direction, he wondered if he should just head back to the room and forget about talking to Ted for the night. He'd be there tomorrow anyway, right?

He had just about made up his mind when he heard music coming out of the saloon. It wasn't great music, more like someone who was taught that the piano made sounds by randomly pressing keys. As awful as the noise was, it was a sign of life; so Candy headed in that direction. The saloon inside was brightly lit, although the outside looked just as neglected as the rest of the town. 

He walked in, wondering what he'd find this time.

*          *          *          *          *

It was still cold, Joe noted as he sat shivering in the darkness. This room wasn't warming itself up anytime soon, so that left him finding a warmer place. With a growl he pushed himself up and wandered out into the hall. The stairs seemed to draw him, and after a slight hesitation, he began his ascent.

He walked down the hall a ways, ignoring the locked rooms, until he found a somewhat spacious room that didn't have such an icy touch to it. To his surprise the fireplace already had a roaring fire. He rushed over, feeling the icy touch of the other rooms leave him, "Finally!"

In one of the easy chairs across from the fireplace sat an older man with a friendly smile, "Well young man, I'd invite you to join me, but it seems you already have."

Joe spun around in surprise. Everything was sneaking up on him tonight it seemed, "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't think the room was taken."

He gave Joe a friendly smile, "Nonsense, I'm glad to have the company. The night seems colder than usual, although this room is quite nice."

Joe smiled back, put more at ease by the warmth of the room, "Well thanks, I think I'll take you up on that offer."

He took the other easy chair next to the man and felt himself melt into its comfort. _Finally_, he thought, _something normal_. He glanced over at his newfound companion, "So where are you from? Sorry, I didn't catch your name."

"My name is Edward Fairfax. I'm from England, just passing through before I continue my hunting trip. And you young man?"

"Cartwright. Joe Cartwright. It's a pleasure to meet you Edward," Joe smiled and tipped his hat. "Me and my partner are on our way to San Francisco on business. Maybe you'd like to join us. This town isn't exactly the best travel spot." 

"That's very thoughtful, Mr. Cartwright, but I'm afraid I can't. I'm stranded in this town for a good long while, and since I left from San Francisco, it wouldn't make much sense to travel backwards would it?" He smiled at Joe, to let him know it was a joke. "May I inquire of your business in San Francisco? By the looks of you, I'd say you're in the ranching business, curious that you'd travel so far."

"Yeah, I do ranching. My Pa owns a large spread called the Ponderosa. Ever heard of it?"

Edward shook his head, "Sorry young man, I have not. I'm not too familiar with this area, just my bad luck to be stranded here."

"Well why stay? This town is dead, I wouldn't stick around here for anything! You sure you wouldn't like to come? We could use another person to talk to," Joe's eye caught the bottle of brandy on the table, "Do you mind?"

"Not at all," Edward grabbed the bottle and poured Joe a glass, handing it to him. "And I'd be careful how you describe the town. The residents are a bit touchy on semantics these days. By the way, you mentioned a traveling partner, where is he?" 

Joe sipped the brandy, feeling it warm his insides, "Oh Candy? He's probably out playing with his dolly."

*          *          *          *          *

Candy walked into the saloon. As run-down as the outside looked, the inside seemed to be in fairly good shape. A lone saloon girl was trying to entertain the customers, a few players sat at a card table, and Ted stood behind the bar, wiping down a mug with a rag.

Candy frowned and walked up the bar, "Hey Ted, been looking all over for you. I didn't know the saloon was still open, you know it looks pretty run down from the outside?"

Ted placed the mug on a shelf behind him, "I like to keep the place clean, with so many coming people coming in and out."

"I thought you worked at the hotel," Candy looked confused.

"Well I work at the hotel, but also help out here when needed," Ted shrugged, "So how are you and Joe holding up? I hope the room's all right. Since the storm is over I guess you'll be leaving in the morning then?" 

"Yeah, it moved on through pretty quick. From Joe's mood, I think it'd be best if we left soon."

One of the patrons stumbled up the bar, grabbing Ted's attention, "Hey Teddy! Give me a beer, will ya?"

Ted filled a mug from the tap and handed it to the man, "That's your fourth one already. Maybe you ought to cut back a bit, eh?"

The man grumbled something and staggered back to his table. The saloon girl sauntered up to Candy, her blue dress accenting her curves, "My, my! I haven't seen you around here. What's a handsome man like you doing in a town like this?"

She leaned in close, running a finger down Candy's chest.

*          *          *          *          *

"Residents? This place seems deserted, with the exception of you and Ted," Joe swirled the traces of brandy around. "I wonder why he's still here. I wouldn't have picked Ted to be the sort to hang around after the party." 

"Oh, the residents are still around, don't doubt that. It sounds like your friend met one of them: little Penny. Every night she chases after that doll, poor child," Edward shook his head sadly. "Just remember, some of the others in this town are not nearly as accepting to what happened as I am, I'd be careful of what I'd say if I were you."

"So there really was a girl then?" the comment caught Joe off. "Candy mentioned something about Indians taking her away. Do you know anything about that?"

He paused, remembering his own encounter, "I was off chasing this water _thing_ when that was happening. I don't suppose you have any answers to that as well?"

"Yes, there really was a girl, just as there really were Indians. I know much of what's gone on in this town," Edward stood, headed over to the fireplace, and picked up a box of tobacco. An arrow now visibly protruded from his back, "but first, would you care for a smoke?" 

Joe set his fourth glass of brandy down, staring at the arrow in Edward's back, "The brandy must have been stronger than I thought."

He rubbed his eyes, and looked again. Nope, it was still there, "Ahh Edward, I really hate to put a damper on the subject, but do you realize you have an arrow sticking out of your back?" 

"Oh yes, I'm afraid it's been there since the Indian attack," Edward took a puff off of his pipe, "you sure you don't want a smoke?" 

Joe jumped back, knocking the chair over. He lay on the ground, muttering to himself, "It's just a dream... no wait! It's a nightmare. It's not like a nightmare can get any worse..."

Edward walked over and looked down at Joe. The youngest Cartwright squeaked, "What am I saying? It _always _gets worse!"

"I'm not going to hurt you young man, but there are folks in this town who will if you're not careful," with that said Edward sauntered back over to the fire. "I sit by this fire every night, to try and ward off the chill this town gets."

"I... I... what's going on here?" Joe stuttered, trying to pull himself off the floor. "You're telling me that everyone here is _dead_? Is that what you're trying to tell me? That right now _I'm talking to a dead guy_?"

His voice neared hysteria, "Oh great, I'm sitting here, drinking brandy by the fire _with a dead guy!_"

Joe paused, a horrible thought striking his alcohol numbed mind, "_Ohh god! Am I dead?_ That's it! I must have died!"

"You, young man, are drunk," Edward picked up the decanter of whiskey, "off of ghost brandy." He gave Joe a sympathetic smile, "Meaning that's not real either lad, it's all in your mind. Just take the time to calm down and you'll realize that."

*          *          *          *          *

A shiver ran down Candy's spine as the saloon girl traced her finger across his chest. He grabbed her hand to remove it, finding it ice cold. The room wasn't nearly cold enough for that to be happening, "Um, I'm sort of stranded here until the morning and... ma'am are you all right? Your hand is like ice." 

"Oh, that's so sweet of you! Caring about me and not even knowing who I am. You know that's the sign of a true gentleman. It's a pity the locals aren't like you!"

Candy smiled at her nervously.

"Would you like to dance?" She grabbed a hold of Candy's arm.

"Actually, I have a sick friend at the hotel I need tooooo-"

She ignored him and pulled him out on the dance floor. Turning to the piano player, she motioned for him to play something other than the piece he was currently ruining.

A chill swept over Candy as she wrapped her arms around him, "Ma'am, I'm sorry but something's just not right..."

"What's the matter? Haven't you ever danced with a lady before?" she held him tighter as the music started up, taking the lead.

As the song progressed, the saloon girl began to turn a blue hue, and an icy wind began to whip around the room.

"What in the hell?" Candy let go of her and tried to wriggle out of her grasp, "You're... you're not well..."

The lady smiled at him, her lips tinged blue, and looked as if her entire body has been frostbit, "Forget well! You're not alive!" 

At Candy's last comment, the music stopped, and the entire room's attention snapped to Candy. The lady in blue stepped away from him, silence descending all around them. 

*          *          *          *          *

"_Calm down?_!" Joe continued to babble. "How can I possibly be calm now? I'm loosing my mind, that's it! I'm not dead, I'm just losing my mind!"

Joe's mouth continued to run ahead of him, as his brain had been left too far back with the sight of an arrow in Edward Fairfax's back, "Maybe even none of this is real... maybe I'm back home at the ranch and I'll wake up and all of this will have been a dream!"

"I'd really hate to have to call over Harold to get you to make some sense. You looked positively frozen before, but if dumping cold water will bring you to your senses, so be it," Edward clicked his tongue, still puffing away at his pipe. "You know being high strung like that is not good for your nerves at all. You'll die of a stroke at thirty if you keep that up." 

"Oh, and that's suppose to make me feel better?!" Joe rocked back and forth, arms encircled around his knees. "Who's Harold? And you're telling me that talking to a figment of my imagination is healthy for me?"

Edward shook his head with a sigh, "You are in denial." 

"You didn't answer my question-" 

"Which one?"

"I want to know who Ha..."  Joe groaned, feeling a headache coming on. "This is too much! One person can only take so much... here I'm sitting talking to a ghost. Candy's probably wandering around with his dolly. I have no idea what's going on, and I'm probably just sitting here ranting to myself..."

Joe covered his face with his hands, "Can anything be simple for me? Nooo, it has to be complicated!" 

Edward sighed, "You give me no choice. I must sober you up. Harold!"

The hazy man from before appeared, except now he looked more human; like a wet man, with haunted eyes. He looked over at Edward, annoyance radiating off him, "What now? You know it's a real pain having to run around and try to warn people about flash floods and storms, much less you calling me here at all hours of the night."

Edward raised an eyebrow, "You know, for a ghost you sure do complain a lot. I need you to help my friend here," he indicated Joe. 

Joe's eyes nearly tripled in size as "Harold" floated over to Joe, before promptly drenching him with icy cold water for the second time that night. Joe sat on the floor for a moment, blinking water out of his eyes. Then the shock wore off, and he allowed himself to scream. 

*          *          *          *          *

"I just said something wrong, didn't I?" Candy asked the patrons, seemingly calm. 

The card players nodded, causing their scalps to fall off onto the ground.

"SWEET JESUS!" Candy backed into the bar. "You're all ghosts!" 

"Hey! We prefer the term livingly challenged!" 

"It doesn't matter what you prefer! You're still dead! Now get back in the ground where you belong!" Candy waved his arms frantically.

"Hey! We don't tell you where to hang out!" One of the card players bit back annoyed. 

"Well I'm not dead!"

"Stop calling us that!"

"And what if I don't?" Candy sneered, but then decided that probably wasn't the smartest things to ask. "Um, no, just forget I said that."

All the ghosts in the saloon began advancing towards Candy.

"No, um, what are you doing? No, no, no, that's really not necessary. Please. Oh crap."

By now he was surrounded by angry ghosts.

"Oh lord, not good, not good. Ted!" Candy looked over behind the bar, where Ted had been before he was drug out onto the dance floor, but the area was vacant. "Damn! What a time to run out on your fellow mortal in need!" 

Candy spotted an opening and tried to make a run for the door but skidded to a halt as one of the ghosts stepped in front of it. They began to close in, backing him into a corner. His mind raced, trying to think of a way out, "Get back or I'll... I'll..."

Candy put his two index fingers together in the shape of a cross, "The power of Christ compels you!"

They kept coming, "Oh come on! Isn't enough that you stop in the name of God?!"

They kept coming, "Guess not." 

*          *          *          *          *

"Oh, I really wish you wouldn't do that, it's quite annoying," Edward winced and covered his ears. 

"Happy now?" Harold asked. "He's not babbling."

"Oh you did your job! Go ruin someone else's night!"

"Gee, the thanks I get."

"Oh, get!" And Harold disappeared. Edward looked at Joe beseechingly, "I do say, please stop screaming. Despite popular opinion, loud screeching noises still hurt the ears of the dead."

Joe stopped screaming, and took in ragged breaths, "OHH GOD!"

Joe backed up until he found his way out of the room, then turned and ran like the dickens for the street, now determined to find Candy. 

*          *          *          *          *

The ghosts were closing in, brandishing scary knives, sporks, machetes, one even waved a noose in the air threateningly.

Candy took this in under a calm façade, "Okay, last resort... TED! JOE! ANYONE LIVING! _HELP_!"

Out on the street Joe heard the cry for help and bolted towards the saloon. He stopped just outside of the doors, calming himself, "I'm coming Candy!"

Joe charged through the door, coming to a sudden halt seeing all of the ghosts advancing on Candy, "The things you get yourself into Canaday." 

"Not helping Joe!"

Joe's mind raced. _Think Joe! Think! What's the one thing that can get their attention?_  Joe clicked his fingers as a thought struck him. _That's it!_

Casually, he sauntered up to the bar, "Hey! Who wants a drink? First round is on me!"

Candy groaned and buried his face in the wall, "I'm gonna die..." 

The ghosts stopped advancing on Candy and looked at Joe, "Well, you know I am kind of thirsty..."

"Yeah, let's hang him later."

"I thought we were going to carve him up."

"No, we were gonna feed him to the stray dogs, piece by piece."

One by one, the ghosts filed away for the bar. Candy lifted his head off the wall and watched dumbfounded. When they were fully distracted, he snuck quietly over to Joe, "I've got to hand it to you. Only you'd appeal to a ghost's thirst." 

"I'm good, what can I say? How'd you get them so stirred up anyway?"

"I told them they were dead."

At that comment all the ghosts looked back at them. Candy's face contorted in a way that could only mean "damn it!" while Joe pointed behind them, "Look! It's the Angel of Death!" 

They all looked, and both men made a run for it, outside the saloon and down the street. 

"We've got to get out of here!"

"You don't have to tell me twice!"

Joe and Candy reached the hotel, where the horses were tied earlier, except now it was obvious that they had gotten loose. Joe turned to the tracks shouting, "Cochise! You coward!"

Candy slapped his hat on the hitching post, "Damn it Dusk! That's the second time today you've left me in my time of need!"

The foreman glanced back in time to see the mob exiting the saloon, "Okay, Joe, we need a new idea!"

Joe looked around frantic, "We have to go to the one place you wouldn't possibly die!" 

"Oh, I get it, so they can't follow us there. Quick! To the church!" 

"The Church? No, the cemetery! No one dies there!" Joe replied, hearing the ghosts' angry mutterings. 

"Um, Joe, where do you think they rise from the dead from?"

There was a moment's pause, then, "What about the livery?"

"Things can die in the livery, like horses!" 

"Okay, so we'll be haunted by a bunch of dead horses all night. Or would you prefer to face them?" He pointed to approaching crowd. 

"You know Joe, the livery sounds great!" Candy caught his eye, and they both took off running towards it at the same time. 

Joe made it first. Without thinking he quickly opened the door, ran in, and shut it.

"JOE!"

He opened the door and Candy rushed in, "Sorry about that!"

Together they slammed the door shut and barricaded it with whatever they found close by. They made their way to the back of the livery to wait. 

For a long while, it was quiet. Candy sat on his haunches, trying to figure out what to do next if they decided to break into the livery. After a few minutes, he felt courage enough to whisper, "Hey Joe... you think it's safe now?"

Joe shivered, the chill in the livery reminding him that he was soaking wet. "How should I know? Why don't you go outside and find out?"

Candy shrugged, "I guess..."

He stood up and headed towards the door. 

"CANDY! I didn't mean it literally!" Joe shook his head and stood up as well, "I thought _you _were supposed to be keeping _me_ out of trouble, not the other way around." 

"I don't know what you're talking about. You're the one who brought us here in the first place! Seems like that might put some of this trouble on you." 

Thunder rumbled again, and rain began to patter on the roof.

"Oh, so now it's _all_ my fault is it?" Joe snapped back. "You were the one that wanted to come, not me! So the way I see it, I'm not responsible."

"Yeah, like I knew a thing about this place! You think I wanted to nearly be killed by ghosts, not once, but twice?!"

Candy growled and headed for one corner of the livery.

"I didn't know everyone was dead!" Joe headed to the other corner, yanking off his wet shirt. "Last time I was here everyone was still in the land of the living!"

"Oh yeah, and it's my fault, not because I killed them, but because they're dead? And don't like the fact that they're dead? How was I supposed to know that?! It's not like someone popped up and said to me 'By the way, don't tell the ghosts they're dead, they're really touchy on that subject.' Did you?!" 

Edward's warnings suddenly took shape in his mind. He decided to ignore them, "Well since you feel so badly about that, why don't you go out there and apologize! 'Oh I'm sorry if calling you dead offended you! Next time I come across a dead guy, I'll be sure not to mention it!'" 

"Geez, tell me to go, tell me to stay, tell me to go. Make up your mind," Candy snorted and leaned against the corner sliding down into a sitting position, "Oh, and don't worry, I'll stand guard. And if any mobs of ghosts come in I'll sacrifice myself very valiantly, and maybe eventually, I'll be forgiven for bringing so much trouble onto us all." 

"Oh don't go out for my expense! I can handle myself just fine, wouldn't want you sacrificing yourself for nothing!" Joe pulled his knees up to his chest and leaned against the back of the wall.

Candy rolled his eyes, "Just get some sleep Joe, you need it more than I do." 

"What? And let you keep guard?" he unsuccessfully smothered a yawn, "Then who's going to back you up? Nope, I'll stay awake... just in case..."

He yawned again, his eyes getting very heavy. The night had taken its toll, and it wasn't too long before Joe was huddled in the corner, fast asleep. 

Candy watched as Joe slipped off to sleep. He turned back to watch the doors of the livery, much too awake with the events from the past few hours to even think about sleeping. 

*          *          *          *          *

The rain stopped for good sometime during the night, and as soon as light peeked under the door of the livery, Candy stood up, stretching his back.

He made his way over to Joe and shook his shoulder to wake him up. Joe just mumbled something unintelligible and turned sides. Candy stood back up, looking down at his sleeping friend, "Well, I'm checking outside. Fear not, if I don't return, I've just been eaten alive by hordes of angry ghosts."

Candy smiled ruefully, then opened the door to the livery and peered outside. It seemed nice and peaceful enough. He exited, deciding to look around a bit, maybe find the horses and their gear before trying to wake Joe up.

Through his sleep, Joe could vaguely hear Candy leave. The light pouring through the open door of the livery slowly roused him. He opened his eyes to find that the light began to make his head pound, "I think I must have drunk too much... hey Candy?"

Joe looked to where Candy had situated last night, but found the spot empty. Through the pounding in his head, he remembered something being said about being eaten up. He jumped up, probably a bit too quickly. When the world decided to stop spinning the youngest Cartwright made his way outside, picking up his somewhat dry shirt on the way. His journey outside was rewarded with the warmth of sunlight. He looked around, but saw no sign of Candy.

Candy first headed over to the hotel and picked up their gear. Then he went in search of their faithful steeds. He found them grazing a small ways outside of town, "Well, nice to see you guys found some nice grazing land. You sure left us in a spot there back in town."

Dusk and Cochise unanimously decided not to care, and kept eating the grass. 

"All right you two," Candy grabbed Cochise's reigns and mounted up on Dusk, "let's get back to town, pick up that ornery bearcat who calls himself Joe, and get away from this spook town."

The more Joe wandered around town, the more unsettled he felt. Heading back to the hotel, he found all of their gear gone, "Damn it Candy!"

Joe exited the hotel in time to see Candy riding up with Dusk and Cochise. Joe stalked over to them and snatched Cochise's reigns before mounting up, "Well thank you for letting me know where you were!"

"You're welcome. 'Oh, don't mention it Candy'. Sure Joe, that's why we get along so well, your ability to see that the universe doesn't revolve around you. 'Yeah well, sorry for being snappy, you know how it is.' Yeah, ghosts and all, I know exactly how that is," Candy recited the conversation to himself, making his voice a few pitches higher when doing "Joe's" voice. "Oh and here's breakfast." 

Candy handed him a stale biscuit, "It's all I could find on short notice."

Joe took the biscuit and managed a small smile for his friend, "Thanks."

Munching on the biscuit, he turned Cochise towards the end of town, and San Francisco. As they were riding past the town's graveyard, a gust of wind picked up and blew their hats into the graveyard. Joe grumbled and jumped off his horse to retrieve his hat, "Damn it!" 

Candy sighed and dismounted Dusk in a bit more orderly fashion, and followed his hat to where it landed. Looking around the large graveyard Candy felt a chill race up his spine. It was so big, for such a small town, "No wonder everyone left. I think there were more graves than citizens."

Joe ignored Candy and bent down to pick up his hat from the tombstone it landed on. As he removed his hat, he was able to make out the markings on the tombstone.

_Teddy Barleyman_

_Killed in an Indian Raid_

Joe knelt next to the grave, "No! Not Teddy!"

He looked back at the town, the pieces starting to click together in his mind. They were all dead, but like Edward said, they refused to accept it, and lived on each night as if they were still alive. He turned back to the grave, spotting the tombstone next to it.

_Harold Holt_

_Killed in a Flash Flood_

The revelation left Joe shocked. He stood up shakily. Candy gave him a sympathetic look and bent down to pick up his hat. His eyes raked over the grave of little Penny Walker. Also killed during the Indian attack, with her pa's gravestone is right next to her.

"So her name was Penny..."

"Rest in peace Teddy Barleyman," Joe put his hat back on and vaulted back up onto Cochise, then sat waiting for Candy.

Candy knelt down next to the grave, taking out the doll from where he put it earlier and placing it on the grave, "Well, I hope this means you don't spend every night searching for her. Maybe you can join your Papa now, huh?" 

With a sad smile he stood up and started walking way. He noticed the headstones of the patrons of the bar and the saloon girl, "Good riddance!"

Without any more stalling he climbed up onto Dusk and turned to Joe, "Let's get to San Francisco before we meet Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny." 

Joe nodded with a half smile and followed the foreman down the trail. He stopped for a moment, sending the town a final glance. With a thought echoing Candy's sentiments regarding the bar patrons, he whirled back around, and set his steed in a canter to catch up with his companion.

The journey for the next hour was a silent one, with only the sounds of the horses' breathing and the steady rhythm of their hoofs beating the ground breaking the quiet.

It was Joe who finally spoke up, "Hey Candy, look I'm sorry for what I said earlier..." 

"Oh no, that's fine. You know I've really made a habit out of raising spirits from the grave. A talent you know?" he shrugged. "How's your cold?"

"It's fine. Just don't go bringing any spirits around me, I've had enough to last a lifetime," Joe smiled, "I think I lost it for a few minutes back there with all those ghosts."

His grin was broken by a sneeze, "Well maybe not... but let's get on to San Francisco. I could use a _real_ beer right about now."

"I hear that. Those are the only kind of spirits I want to see for a good long while," Candy nodded in agreement, as both companions continued to make their way down the trail to San Francisco.


	3. Barbary Coast

Disclaimer: Despite the months of trying... we still don't own the Cartwrights, the Ponderosa, Cochise, _or_ Candy. Drat. We'd claim Bob, Fred, and the others, but we're quite simply not that fond of them.

_One Simple Task  
_by Greywolf Lupous and Kimba Lyall

Chapter Three: "Barbary Coast"

San Francisco was a city full of charm and elegance. Even a good majority of the bars and cathouses were decorated lavishly, dressing up the activities that went on in such places as near respectable. The Clamshell Bar, however, was not one of those establishments. The bartender didn't believe in wiping up too much, so whenever someone went to order a drink they had to hold their breath. The chairs had seen better days, probably around twenty years ago, and now struggled to hold up the bar's few patrons. Two of those patrons sat in the far corner, trying to drown their sorrows.   
  
"Y'know Bob, I'm really sick of this."  
  
"Oh, now what?"

"This! This shabby existence I live! You know I only get paid half as much  
as the normal man in my line of work does!"  
  
"Actually, you get half because you can't legally work here, Fred. 'sides, it's not like you do much, just running back and forth, deliverin' messages."  
  
"There's nothing wrong with Canada or being a courier!" Fred huffed and took a long sip of his drink in protest. "You know, I hate my name too! It's too plain!"  
  
"Oh?" Bob was unable to keep the sarcasm from creeping into his voice. "I don't see nuthin' plain in Fred Jones."  
  
"Oh, like Bob Smith is any more creative?"  
  
"Hey, at least I take pride in what my parents named me, damn Canadian."  
  
"Enough with your Canadian bashing already!" Fred slammed his mug down. "I'm  
changing, from this day on!"  
  
"You're drunk."  
  
"From this day forth, I am no longer Fred Jones. I am Fred the Horrible!"  
  
"Oh, I'm shaking in my boots. So are you gonna change careers, become a pirate  
too?"  
  
_Not too long later..._  
  
"I had to ask..." Bob shook his head, not exactly liking the look of this "pirate ship" that Fred somehow got out on credit. "Um, Fred, maybe this isn't too good an idea..."  
  
"Silence Blonde Beard! I'm talking to the troops!"  
  
"Blonde Beard? Come on, what kind of name is that!"  
  
"Would you like to be Headless Bob?"  
  
"..."  
  
"I didn't think so, now men! Our goal--!" Fred pointed out to a large cargo ship approaching in the distance, "--is to seize that ship!"  
  
The 'troops' consisted of some of the other bar patrons, and a few people picked up on the docks. Not exactly the pirates of Jean Lafayette, but they were street smart, and most already knew how to immobilize sailors from their part-time work at the "acquisition" business.  
  
"So, Fred the Horrible, what do we do now?"  
  
"We wait Blonde Beard, we wait..." 

The sun had long since sunk into the horizon and a blanket of stars covered the clear night sky, and First Mate Adam Cartwright still couldn't pull himself from his perch. There were some days deep out in the ocean, where he felt more content than he ever had in his life. It was when they started approaching port, particularly this port, that he didn't feel quite so home anymore. Instead he remembered rolling hills, towering pines, an infectious giggle, and fireside chats.

He had a letter in his pocket, ready to be mailed out as soon as the ship docked. There was always a letter to send, and always a letter to read. It wasn't like he had lost touch with his family… or maybe it was. Almost four years at sea now, and he hadn't managed even one visit back to the ranch.

There was no need to wonder about what his brothers were doing, Pa always kept him updated. He'd heard about the gold detector, the prolific rabbits, and was even sure if he bumped into the new foreman on the streets of San Francisco it wouldn't be too hard to identify him.

He knew everything that went on in their lives, but couldn't help but feel an ache inside at knowing he wasn't a part of those lives anymore. He loved his life at sea, but with a deep sigh, he realized he missed his other home as well. They wouldn't be in port in San Francisco for too long, and certainly not long enough for him to make the trip to the Ponderosa and back.

A shout from the crow's nest drew his attention away from the side of the ship. If he had continued to pay attention, he might have seen the dark form on the water that was slowly making its way towards the cargo ship.

The ship's crew began to rush around to work as the captain shouted out orders for docking. Adam pushed himself away from the side to help get the ship ready.

When all the preparations to dock were completed, activity on the old cargo ship dwindled down to a slow crawl. The captain and Adam had headed down below deck to ready their personal items. The rest of the crew continued to man their positions, but the anticipation of a few days of shore leave left them distracted.

With more stealth than it was fair for a Canadian courier to have, Fred and his crew of scalawags pulled up their small craft to the aft of the cargo ship. The more able-bodied "pirates" tossed up grapples attached to ropes, the grapples catching on the side railings of the ship without making a racket.

The small boat's party began to scale the side of the ship; however the two leaders were having a little trouble. Bob slowly made his way up, his muscles straining at the effort. Fred however continued to slip every time he tried to take a step up. Eventually one of his men, dubbed Stinky by many, had to let Fred hold onto his shoulders while he climbed up.

Once everyone had made it on board, the men split into groups. Sticking to the shadows, Fred's "pirates" skulked around the ship until they found an unsuspecting crewmember, and knocked him out. Fred supervised the work, mostly because his attempts at scaling the ship left him exhausted. As soon as the crew on the deck was secured, Fred and Bob led the charge down below.

They burst into the captain's quarters, and while Fred struggled to pull out his hand-me down pirate's rapier to point it at Adam and the captain, his loyal band of men pulled guns.

"What's going on here?" Adam eyed the men surrounding him warily.

"What does it look like?" Fred finally managed to pull the sword out… well, the handle came, but the blade stuck in the sheath. Annoyed, he menacingly waved his rapier handle at Adam and the captain. "We're taking over this ship, and all of ye crew prisoners!"

"Fred, really, do you have to talk like that?"

"Quiet Blonde Beard! I'm trying to cow the enemy into submission."

"The guns are doing a better job of that," Adam stated bluntly.

"Oh shut up!"

Adam tightened his jaw, trying to calculate the odds. If he could only reach his gun… as the thought occurred to him his hand started inching its way towards his belt.

The door to the cabin burst open, and a heroic voice cried out, "Hold it right there!"

Everyone in the room turned to face this strange new voice. Adam and the captain glanced at each other, had somebody come to save them?

"One pull of this trigger and I could blow your head right off!"

Perhaps not.

"Rod!" Fred greeted the new arrival with entirely too much enthusiasm. Rod stepped away from the door, revealing himself to be a rough looking man with a few weeks' unshaven growth. Two other "pirates" flanked him.

"Forgive me for asking," Adam interrupted, "but exactly who are you suppose to be?"

"I'm Fred the Horrible! Scourge of the…"

"Pacific Ocean?" Rod suggested.

"Clamshell Bar?" Bob tried.

"San Francisco Bay?"

"The alley off of Hyde Street?"

"Fisherman's Wharf?"

"Shut up!" Fred shouted to his subordinates.

"So you're Fred the Harebell, scourge of the docks?" Adam smirked.

"That's Fred the Horrible!" Fred fumed. "Rod! Put these two in the cargo hold!"

"Right!" Rod stepped forward, and then glanced back at Fred. "…where is that?"

"We keep it all in the lifeboats," Adam put in helpfully.

Rod backhanded Adam. "How about you just show me?"

The eldest Cartwright son rubbed his face and glared at Rod. The captain gave his first mate a warning glance, having the feeling he was going to push these men too far. Adam sighed and nodded to Rod. "Fine."

The two men who followed Rod began to escort Adam and the Captain out. Before he reached the door, Adam turned back to Rod with a smirk. "Oh, and next time you decide to do a hold up, it might help to take off the safety."

One of the men roughly shoved Adam out the door. The rest of the pirates drifted out, leaving just Rod, Fred, and Bob. Rod studied the gun for a moment, before realizing that Adam was right. He quickly took the gun off safety mode and jammed it into its holster.

The sound of a shot reverberated around the cabin. Fred and Bob glared at Rod, who just grinned embarrassedly. "Oops."

Somehow, and neither were quite sure whose good graces up in heaven they had gotten in, both Joe and Candy managed to make it to San Francisco in one piece, without further incident. Well, that was discounting the night Candy accused Joe of trying to kill him with his cooking. But see, that's not that exciting, is it?

In any case, they had finally arrived.

"Well I never thought we'd make it." Joe said as they made it to the outskirts of the city.

"Yeah, and to think, we didn't even meet Santa Claus either."

"I know, I had already figured out what I was going to ask him for."

"I told you I claimed the squirrel repellent," Candy waved a finger, "no copying."

"That's fine. I wanted a ward against evil spirits."

"C'mon Joe, he's Santa Claus, not a gypsy."

"Oh like you were going to get your squirrel stuff from him."

"I'll have you know I've been very good this year."

"I'd believe that if I didn't know you so well." Joe rolled his eyes.

"Just for that I'm not putting in a good word for you," Candy snorted as he eyed the busy streets. "So do you know of a good place to wash the trail dust out of your mouth?"

"I know just the place." Joe grinned, fully intending to start collecting on his blackmail.

A large, brutish man stared out of one of the broken windows of the abandoned warehouse, hearing the nine men behind him guffawing and carrying on. He scrubbed at his eyes, as if that would replace the dirty street in front of him with the life that he felt had been meant for him. When he opened his eyes, the street was still there, and he felt anger rising within him. Quickly he turned away from the source of his anger, facing the other men.

At the look of fury upon the large man's face they immediately fell silent; some even straightened their posture to attention. He looked over them all, pushing away his disgust. They were the dregs of society, every last one of them, but they were good at following orders. When he was satisfied he had everyone's attention, he pulled over the blackboard that he'd sketched out of the bank they were to be targeting. "As you should all know, today is the day for striking. You've all been keeping watch the past few days, so I expect you to know the timing of everything!"

They all mutely nodded, not wanting to incite their leader's temper. He continued, pointing to the area surrounding the bank. "We'll have three men situated across the street here. I want another two down the street. You know when the police will be coming through, so I expect fair warning!"

The leader pointed to the youngest of the group, who straightened up. "Jack! You'll be guarding the entrance. Spike, Angel, and Doyle, you'll be inside the bank."

He heard three simultaneous, "Yes Tiny's", and began to walk up and down the front of the room. "The wagon with the money will be coming right at five o'clock, closing time. As soon as the money is unloaded, Angel here will call the shots!"

"Once we've taken the money, Jack will give the whistle, and you three across the street will start the diversion," Tiny halted in his pacing, fixing all nine men with an angry glare. "I will have no stuff ups once this operation is in motion! Just remember, the less of you there is, the bigger everyone's share is. Understood?"

They all nodded quickly, the underlying message _very_ clear.

"You've got two hours. We'll meet back here one hour after the job has been completed." Tiny paused and stared at the men. "Get going!"

They all scrambled out of the room, leaving Tiny alone with his thoughts. He turned back to the blackboard, and began filling in some areas on the drawing. Four years studying architecture and all he had to show for it was several wanted posters and a pile of stolen money.

Candy studied the lively atmosphere as they trekked further into the bustling city. The closer they got to the Barbary Coast, the livelier the people got. Too focused on his surroundings, Candy nearly passed Joe as he pulled Cochise up outside the "Dazzle Dollar" saloon.

"I think this is a good place as any to stop, that's Miller's place across the street," Joe pointed to the lumber company building, "where we pick up the contract—"

"But…?"

"You said you wanted a drink first, right?" Joe dismounted and tried to dust himself off, but wasn't having much luck.

Candy snorted as he followed Joe's example. "I've got a feeling it's a lost cause. Between the two of us we've probably got most of Nevada all over us."

"You're probably right." Joe gave up trying to dust himself off and instead looped Cochise's reins over the rail, practically leaping up onto the boardwalk. It felt good to be out of the saddle. "Well, hurry up there!"

Candy finished securing Dusk to the hitching rail, giving Joe a shrug. "Can you blame me for wanting to double-check?"

"With that horse of yours, who can be too sure?" When he was sure Candy had finished fussing over his horse, he reached for the door, only to have it slammed open almost in his face. Smoothly Joe sidestepped the two drunken men as they stumbled out to the street, and he strode up to the bar. "Two beers."

The bartender quickly served the drinks and set them on the bar in a noisy and grand fashion. Joe looked over at Candy expectantly, who grumbled and paid the man. With a triumphant grin, Joe sought out an empty table, almost literally falling into one of the chairs.

Candy opted to kick out a chair, sitting in a smoother, but not necessarily a more civilized, fashion. After taking a long sip of his beer, he let out a contented sigh. "Well that's one thing off my list for the moment. I can tell you can't wait to sleep on a real bed at a _real _hotel."

"A real bed sounds nice," Joe studied his beer thoughtfully, "I'm just hoping this here is real beer."

"As opposed to the fake beer we get in Virginia City?"

Joe glared at Candy before taking a cautionary sip. "Ah, finally! That's a _real_ beer!"

Candy raised an eyebrow. "You didn't happen to sample anything in that town that's not… let's say, from around here?"

Joe put on his best poker face. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Right."

Joe quickly focused his attention on draining the rest of his beer, calling to the bartender, "I'll have another!"

Candy cleared his throat, and Joe raised his eyebrows innocently. "What?"

"Perhaps you ought to hold off on some of that celebrating until AFTER we pick up what we came to get," Candy said, before gulping down the last of his beer.

"Oh right the contract! Be a shame if we forgot that." Joe eyed his half-empty glass as if it were a challenge. Tossing a defiant look at Candy he quickly finished it off. "Let's get to it then!"

"The sooner we get that done, the sooner the fun can begin." Candy nodded, feeling a yawn starting to come on.

"Fun? Looks to me like you need to take a nap." Joe stretched as he stood up.

As he started to head for the door, the bartender rushed over. "Excuse me, you didn't pay for that last drink."

Joe pointed to Candy, slipping out the door quickly. "Put it on his tab!"

"What?" Candy started after Joe, but the bartender grabbed his shirt before he could make it very far. "I said FIRST round! Not subsequent rounds!"

The bartender didn't appear to sympathize with Candy, and instead held out his hand. Candy paid the rest of the tab, before being released to chase down Joe. "Just for that, I'm not going to even try and save you from Hop Sing and the dreaded teas when you come back with that cold."

Joe made a face at the thought of _the teas_. "You just be careful, I might decide to share this cold with you so you're not so left out."

"I doubt that," Candy took a step back however, just to be sure. "I don't plan on spending any time cuddling with you. I just feel sorry for all the women on the coast. You're going to start an epidemic you know."

Joe glowered at his friend and stepped up to the building he had indicated earlier. "Shall we?"

Candy just shrugged and followed Joe in. The decorations in the office were nice, but didn't lend the room any sort of inviting feel. The clerk behind the desk looked at the two dusty cowboys a bit warily. "May I help you?"

"Is Miller here?"

"He's out back. And you are?"

"Cartwright, Joe Cartwright. He's expecting me."

The clerk didn't appear to believe that, but slipped out to the back anyway.

"Well, if everyone here is as friendly as your bartender and clerk friends, we'll have no problem here," Candy commented.

"Always looking at the bright side, aren't you?" Joe rolled his eyes, and pulled his hand off the desk when he realized the trail dust was leaving a trail.

"That's my job!"

After a few minutes, an elderly man came in through the door the clerk had left by. He walked over to Candy. "So you must be Joe? Ben's told me a lot about you. You don't look like him very much."

"Mr. Cartwright and I don't have much of a family resemblance," Candy couldn't help but smile, and then pointed to Joe. "I think Joe does though."

Miller squinted at Candy, then Joe, and his eyes lit up. "Ah yes! I see it now!"

"Nice to meet you, and my twin over there is Candy." Joe shook Miller's hand, and Candy tipped his hat. "So Pa's talked about me?

"Oh, Ben and I have been friends for a long time. Wouldn't trust just anyone to hold that contract." Miller raised his bushy white eyebrows.

"Speaking of which, I might be convinced to take that off your hands."

"Oh yes! Your father sent me a telegram saying you would be coming." Miller moved back behind the desk, pulling a key out of his pocket. Carefully he unlocked the top drawer and pulled out the contract.

"Told you," Joe mouthed to Candy, who just rolled his eyes.

Miller produced a pen from the same drawer. "You just need to sign here, and it should be ready to go."

Joe quickly signed the paper, and thanked Miller. As they both walked out, Joe looked over the contract to make sure everything was the way it was suppose to be. Satisfied, he stuffed it inside the pocket of his jacket. "Well now that that's done, it's time for me to party, and you to sleep!"

"Oh no, I'm here to make sure you don't get into any trouble, remember? So I can't let you go wandering off by yourself in the wicked city, into who knows what dangers."

"You've done a great job so far," Joe smirked.

"Hey, it's not my fault you wandered off into a rainstorm while I was sleeping. Can't watch you all hours of the day."

"You make a better foreman than nanny." Joe waited for an opening, and quickly crossed the street to where he had Cochise tied up.

Candy wasn't too far behind. He quickly noted that Dusk had behaved himself, and gave the horse a reassuring pat. "Never claimed to be too good at babysitting. That's more of Hoss's job."

"Well Mr. Nanny, what do you say about discovering the finer aspects of the Barbary Coast?"

"I'd first say 'call me by my name', and after that, 'lead the way Mr. Cartwright'."

"Well Fred, you have a ship." Bob announced after they had docked the ship.

"Indeed! Now I am unstoppable!"

"You lost me there." Bob said as he eyed all of the cargo they'd unloaded from the hold. "I'm not quite sure how these spices will make us unstoppable."

"Not the spices Blonde Beard." Fred indicated the cargo hold. "We now have the capability to haul whatever we want, to wherever we want."

"So why didn't you just use the other boat?"

"This one is bigger!" Fred glared at his right-hand man, who obviously didn't have enough experience at being a pirate. "Besides, we won't be just hauling any cargo."

"Well that's good. I was under the impression that pirates looted, plundered, and did that sort of thing."

The great pirate leader looked offended at even the thought of not living up to his duty. "We will, but we have to keep a front for anyone who comes poking around."

Bob nodded, that made sense. Although Fred making sense was a fairly new thing. "So what's your plan?"

"Wood."

"Wood? _Wood _is your plan?"

"Not just any wood! Lumber!"

"…lumber _is_ wood!"

"Never mind the semantics," Fred waved his hand around. "If they think we're simply hauling lumber, no one will think twice to inspect our ship or cargo!"

"All right… and so how do you expect to convince them of our lumber hauling intentions?"

"We need--!"

"Yes?"

"Can I get back to you on that?"

Bob groaned and shook his head.

"This is it!" Joe announced, pointing at one of the Barbary Coast's many saloons. They were now on foot, as they had decided to stable the horses before celebrating.

"Are you sure now?" Candy asked sarcastically.

"Yep."

"Because this is the fifth time you've said that."

"Well excuse me if they're all good bars."

"I wouldn't know since we didn't order anything to drink."

"That's because they weren't the right one!"

"Joe, if you hold off our celebration much longer, you're going to wind up celebrating by yourself!" Candy warned.

"This is the right place, I'll swear by it!" Joe grinned as he took in the atmosphere. The other bars were good bars, no doubt about that, but they were more on the outskirts of the coast, and if they were to celebrate proper, they needed to be in the middle of the action. And in the middle they were. Fights erupted along the sides of the street; the air was filled with the sounds of yelling and raised voices from the saloon. "Have you ever seen a more beautiful sight?"

Candy eyed the chaos erupting around them. "I'm guessing it's an acquired taste."

Joe stepped onto the boardwalk, then jumped back off as a couple of men came tumbling out of the saloon, followed not too long after by an empty whiskey bottle. One of the saloon girls appeared at the batwing doors, sneering at the now former patrons. "And stay out!"

"I know I've said it once, but the folks here sure do know how to give you a welcome." Candy said stepping up next to Joe.

The lady at the door looked them both over appreciatively. "You two can come in."

"See there! An invitation!" Joe clapped Candy on the shoulder in a friendly gesture, before shoving him towards the door. "But how 'bout you go first?"

Candy walked in, eyeing the door for flying men or bottles. He made it in safely however, and Joe soon followed. "You get the drinks?"

"Only if you're paying," Candy watched as the woman slipped back into the crowd. "I don't get paid as much as you."

"Is that a complaint?" Joe reached into his pocket and threw some coins on the bar.

"Call it an observation, if you will." Candy found the nearest vacant table and sat down heavily in the chair.

Joe followed suit and raised his glass of beer. "To a few days on the coast, and a job well done!"

"Amen." They clanked their glasses together, before Candy took a long sip. "Although the job is technically only half-done."

"Well how hard can it be to get a little piece of paper back to Pa?" Joe set his glass down.

"And that part about coming straight back, no going to the coast?" Candy asked.

"Oh, that's 'Pa' for 'take a few days and relax, but don't get into any trouble'."

"Ah, you see anybody else could have mistaken that for what it sounded like."

"Yeah, but would he believe what delayed us in the first place?"

"I don't believe it," Candy snorted. "So, why'd we have to come all the way to pick that thing up?"

"Well," Joe pat his pocket, "I think Pa didn't want to run the risk of it getting lost in any mail delivery. One of the lumber companies out here has a big order to fill, and this baby here gives the Ponderosa exclusive rights."

Candy drained the last of his beer. "If it's so important then maybe you ought to put it in the hotel safe until we're done. You know, keep it from getting lost."

"Not to worry, it's quite safe right here," Joe grinned. "You want another beer? I'll buy since you're so poor."

"Well, since you're offering..." Candy grinned.

Off about a table or two behind Candy and Joe sat our successful, well, maybe just lucky, new pirate captains. But what is this? Are they drowning their sorrows? Or is it something more devious? Or are they just plain drinking in the saloon like they always do? Who knows...?

"Ya hear that Fred?" Bob took another swig off the bottle they'd bought. "The solution to your lumber hauling problems, all in that man's pocket!"

"You're right Blonde Beard--"

"Can you not call me that while we're out in public?"

"But it's a good pirate's name. You should always go by..."

"PLEASE?"

"Fine. See if I ever give you a fun name again. But you're right, BOB, we'll keep a close eye on those two, and make sure to get the contract before they have a chance to put it in the hotel safe."

The door swung in as two men burst through, looking rather pleased with themselves. The younger of the two called out to the bartender. "Get us two beers, and I'll take a bottle of that fine whiskey too!"

Not waiting for a reply, the young man kicked out a chair and proudly flopped down into it.

Joe returned from the bar with the beers, looking back in the direction of the two newcomers. "They must be celebrating something pretty big."

"As are we," Candy laughed. "We actually got here. I think that's cause enough for celebration."

"I agree, here's to… um, here's to…?" Joe paused as he tries to think of something else to toast to. "Heck! Here's to the things that are real and the things that aren't!"

The loud man that had entered turned to his friend. "Well Spike! I'd say that went well. Now it's time for the celebration."

"Oh, and what exactly do you have in mind, Jack?" Spike grinned and took a sip of his beer.

"Oh you know: the usual. Whiskey, saloon girls, some 'entertainment'," Jack winked at Spike and looked at another table. "Might even get me a proper game going."

Spike raised an eyebrow. "Well that sounds good to me, though I don't know why you'd want to lose all that money we jus' got. Seems a real waste to me."

"That's your opinion," Jack set his empty glass down rather heavily. "I've got to put some of it to a good cause."

"Because we're the charitable sort of folks in the first place," Spike finished and tossed a few coins at Jack. "I'm buyin' another round, if you get 'em."

Jack snatched the coins mid-air, "I'll drink to that!"

"Well I feel properly refreshed," Joe commented as he finished up his beer. "I think we should find a hotel for the night."

From their table, Bob and Fred cast each other a look, it was almost time to make their move.

"Weren't you the one itching to find entertainment?" Candy winked.

"Yeah, but you know you do look awful tired to me," Joe tossed back as he started towards the door. "But if you're wanting some entertainment, I know of some places further down."

"Sounds real good Joe," Candy rose slowly, his muscles protesting at the movement. "Although I think I'll be taking a nice long hot bath tomorrow."

"Hmm," Joe eyed their still dusty states, "not too sure if you'll get the kind of entertainment you're looking for coming in like that!"

"You're not any better," Candy tried to weave through the crowded room to catch up with Joe. One of the more inebriated customers staggered into his path, and he had to jump to the side to avoid tripping over the drunk, only to feel his back slam into someone else. He turned to the man he'd bumped into to apologize. "Sorry, didn't see you there."

Jack eyed the beer stain on his shirt with distaste, and glared at Candy. "You need to watch where you're going! You've got eyes!"

"Look, I said I was sorry." The foreman tried to soothe the irate patron, but didn't seem to be having much success.

"Well sorry don't cut it here!" Jack finished his statement with a well-aimed right hook.

Candy stumbled back and rubbed his jaw, glaring at Jack. "That wasn't very nice."

Joe turned around hearing the hush fall over the room and saw Candy rubbing his jaw. "Well at least it wasn't my fault this time."

Joe crossed his arms as Candy decided to return the favor to Jack, sending the young outlaw crashing over a table. He quickly picked himself up, and charged Candy, tackling them both to the floor.

Joe sighed and approached the bar, just in case he needed to step in. He motioned to the bartender for another beer, having the feeling the plans for the night were going to be changed. He didn't notice the approach of Jack's partner until he felt the tap on his shoulder. "Yes?"

As soon as Joe turned around, Spike slugged him, sending him sprawling across the bar.

Bob looked over at Fred. "So is this all going according to your master plan?"

"Oh shut up, it's just a fight. We'll still get the contract when they leave."

For a few moments, Joe just stared at Spike in a daze. _What in the world?_

Pushing himself off the bar, he channelled all of his frustration at ghosts and squirrels into his swing, sending Spike back into the middle of a poker game. The players quickly tried to rake in the pot as the outlaw tried to regain his breath. He grabbed a chair to help correct his balance, and gripped it tightly as a new tactic crossed his mind.

Candy looked over, hearing the racket on the other side of the bar. Joe had just turned his attention back towards Candy and Jack, and didn't see the Spike and the chair raised over his head, "Joe look—" and was promptly socked in the jaw by Jack.

At the almost-warning from Candy, Joe swung back around just in time to see the chair before it crashed into his side, sending him to the hardwood floor. He propped himself up on his elbows. "Thanks for the warning!"

"Sorry," Candy grumbled from his spot on the floor. "Y'know, I can't say I care for the way this fight is headed."

"Me neither," Joe turned his attention back to Spike, seeing a booted leg heading for him. He caught the leg and gave it a hard tug, bringing Spike to the floor too. "You heard about not kicking a man when he's down?"

Spike growled and scrambled back to his feet the same time as Joe. "You'll pay for that!"

"Aw, did I injure your pride?" Joe taunted and leapt to the side as Spike charged him. "You really need to work on your temper."

By now Candy was circling Jack and watching him carefully. The slight shift in Jack's shoulders warned Candy to the upcoming charge, enabling him to pivot to the side and bring down two fists together on the outlaw's back. Candy leapt a few feet back and grinned as Jack's face met the floor again.

Jack slowly started to regain his feet when the bartender yanked Candy by the shoulder, grabbing Joe with his other free hand. "Okay you two break it up! Any fighting goes outside where ya can't do any damage to my place!"

In less than five seconds, Joe and Candy found themselves eating the same dusty boardwalk that the drunks before them had. "Now stay out!"

Joe sat up, holding his side where the chair had hit him. "Well thank you for your gracious hospitality!"

Candy stood up rubbing his jaw tiredly. "I hope you're not still up for that entertainment."

"Oh no, that's enough excitement for me," Joe grumbled as he massaged his side. It wouldn't bother him too much he decided.

"Y'know, I think I'm just about beat after that. I think the women would prefer us fully rested anyway," he grinned ruefully.

Joe returned the tired smile. "You know that hot bath sounds really good right now. I say we just get to that and find trouble again in the morning."

Candy nodded and started off in a direction. He suddenly halted and turned back to Joe. "Where are we staying by the way?"

Joe rolled his eyes. "Why's it always me that has to think of these things! Remember last time I got us a room huh?"

"I don't think it's that hard to find a hotel with real people in a city full of live ones, do you?"

Joe sighed dramatically and led the way down the street towards a large hotel. "Follow me!"

Back in the bar, the bartender turned his anger on Jack and Spike. "You two get lost as well! I know your kind, I don't want to see your face 'round here again!"

Jack helped Spike off the floor on his way out. "You all right Spike? He sure walloped you good!"

"Yeah, I'm fine." The blonde man grumbled. As soon as they were outside he gave Jack a good whack to the back of his head. "Idiot! Why'd you have to go and start that?"

"Hey!" Jack whined and rubbed his head. "I didn't exactly have it easy in there either!"

Spike snorted and turned away from his drinking companion. The two retreating forms of the men they'd just exchanged blows with caught his eyes. "No matter, I want to go have a few words with our friends. You?"

"Now who's starting what?" Jack asked, falling in step behind his older companion.

* * *

And to answer a few reviewer questions…

_Ginny_: Related to a platypus? Well… perhaps he _taught_ the platypus all he knows. You know, opened up an Evil Squirrel School for Evil Animal Geniuses? It could happen...

_Katharina_: What other trouble? Well… it's looking as if it's going to be a lot.

Fear not Squirrel fans, our fuzzy friend may not be totally gone!


End file.
